We had debrief in Brasov, Romania, and although the city is breathtaking, I was felt like it was hard to breathe for many different reasons. First of all, I was 2 days late because I flew to Finland for my brother's wedding. I had traveled for 18 hours by the time I arrived, and when I got there the whole squad was praying for Andy, who was going back to the States. Everyone was crying and everyone had a different hair-do or hair color. It felt like I had walked in at a very awkward moment and like I had been gone for 6 months. The next day, our team had debrief, and it was extremely intense. I never felt the Holy Spirit move like that in a debrief before. It was so thick, the only thing you could do was cry. I was elated though, because our team had some hard-core breakthrough moments....praise God. At worship that night, Sean started praying for the children, that we had come in contact with over the course of our race. And there it was.......I completely lost it! All I could think about was the kids that had been molested and I said out loud "Here it comes." It felt like God had turned my heart upside down and poured out every ounce of hurt and pain that I had been carrying. I know I needed it to move on, but man that hurt. The next day was even more intense. I couldn't explain what was happening to my heart, but any time a person cried....I cried. If a person laughed or even told a joke......I cried. If a person prayed......I cried. I know that God was ripping things off of me that didn't need to be there, and I know He was healing my heart, but I haven't been that vulnerable since Ghana, which was 3 months ago. And once again, I thought the worst was over. Nope....not yet...He wasn't done. I knew that I needed to lay down the one thing that I had been holding onto for dear life. I had this thing in a death grip and I wasn't about to let it go, but I knew I wouldn't be able to heal or fully move on until I did. So the best way I can describe it is, God had turned me inside out, and I felt like people could see the flesh underneath my bones....it was raw and it was very sensitive. I knew salt was about to be sprinkled onto it, and it was going to hurt like you know what.

During my first morning at debrief, during a teaching from Mike Paschall, God whispered to me, "Go to the cross......Go to the cross and grieve." So after I grieved that night, I thought I was done. Not even close. I didn't want to hold on to this thing that I needed to let go of any longer, so Justine and I walked to a nearby gas station to talk about it. Afterwards we tried to find a grassy spot to pray and release it. As we started walking, I looked to my left, and low and behold, I saw a cross. We walked over to this grassy pasture full of cows and bulls and sat there next to it. I felt exposed and embarrassed, but I knew the only choice I had was to release it. So I spoke a prayer out-loud repenting for trying to control my own destiny and grieving, repenting for holding something hostage that possibly didn't belong to me and grieving, releasing it back to God and grieving, and letting it go and grieving. Talk about feeling like you have just been run over my a massive train, that is probably the best way I can describe my time at this debrief. It was good, so good, but it was extremely painful.

So yesterday, I went to along to drop off the children from kids camp. We traveled about 1 and a half hours to the countryside of Romania, which was absolutely beautiful. There were wildflowers growing everywhere, horse-drawn wooden wagons, and streams. Although I was surrounded by so much beauty, my heart was turning inside of me. Earlier that day, one of the girls sat down next to me. I could see that she was crying. I asked her what was wrong, but of course, she only spoke Romanian so she didn't understand me. I knew.....I knew she didn't want to go home. God only knew what was waiting for her when she got back. I specifically rode in the van with her and her siblings. I didn't want to leave her to face this alone. As we pulled up to the house, I saw her mother, and 3 more children waiting for them. The van was already full of 6 siblings. Even though they were extremely poor, they invited us in to see the house and the grounds. I had to use the bathroom so bad, I couldn't hold it, and so when I asked to use the toilet, I was directed to the blue painted, wooden outhouse. I had no choice but to use it, there was no way I could hold it for another hour and a half. When I got inside I was repulsed, and these poor children use this bathroom everyday. I can't imagine what it is like when its snowing and freezing cold outside. The second van pulled up and more kids jumped out from kids camp. It turned out they were the next door neighbors of the kids that were in my van. When we were at camp, and our contact had told us some of the children had been sexually abused, the kids from these two houses were the ones that I had suspected of being abused. How interesting that they lived right next door to each other. I saw two teenage boys come out of the house and my stomach continued turning. After being a school teacher, and dealing with cases like these, you learn to point out real quick what's going on. The children were all over me, hugging me, holding my hand, not wanting to let go. I didn't want them to let go either, I didn't want to hand them over to this. After a few minutes, when our contacts started unloading food for the families, I saw a pair of eyes peaking over the fence. I knew.....its him. The cause of all of this destruction. He finally came out of hiding and sat in front of his house. To see how the teenage girls from the family reacted when they saw him and passed by him, confirmed it for me even more. It was obvious he (the father) was very sick. Spiritually sick, physically sick, mentally sick....it was as if he wasn't even there, and the evil spirits he allowed in had completely taken him over. I did everything I could to save face for those kids. I pulled one the teenage girls aside, the one who seemed to be struggling the most, and I told her "I know bad things happen sometimes, but God is always with you. He will take care of you." I told her she was beautiful and not to let anyone tell her otherwise. We hugged and hugged...I didn't want to let go. The man glared right at me as I told her this, he knew I had read his mail. I think he knew that I knew the moment I saw him. I wanted to lay hands on him so bad and cast every nasty demon out of him, that, or yell and scream in his face. But I just loved on those kids and never once gave him a dirty look or made a nasty comment, because I knew that Jesus didn't want me to. I knew I had to surrender it to God, He is the only One who can remedy this situation. It was beyond me. I left with such an anguish inside of me. How could I love children and teenagers so much after only knowing them for 5 days...and how could I just let them go, not knowing what they would have to endure that night?

Today, I started reading SexGod by Rob Bell. It is a Christian book that has completely rocked my whole world, and I'm only on chapter 2. Two things stood out to me.

1. With every decision, conversation, gesture, comment, action, and attitude, we're inviting heaven or hell to earth.

2. Have only one response: LOVE.

Ask yourself, in the toughest situations you are facing today, are you responding with love?

This week we have about 45 kids that have come to stay with us for 5 days. We have been teaching them Bible stories, music, dramas,...basically it is a VBS. Most of these kids haven't had decent food to eat or a shower in a very long time. Unfortunately, some of them even have to deal with sexual abuse in their homes. This place is a safe haven for them, where at least, for 5 days, they can feel like a kid. They can have 3 meals a day, play on a playground, wear clean clothes, take a shower everyday, and go to sleep in peace and not have to worry about someone violating them...simple rights that every child should have. It makes me sick to my stomach to think, that these beautiful children, have to leave here and go back to where they came from. The only thing that gives me peace, is that I have a Heavenly Father that loves them. He is their Protector, Provider, Teacher, Leader, and Comforter. I know how much He loves me, I know what things He has rescued me from, and delivered me from. I am confident in my God, because I know He is faithful and mighty to save. I have peace because I know that after this week, they will experience Him like they never have before ,and I can let them go because they are in His hands and I trust Him with their lives. Thank you Father, that we don't have to walk this cold, dark world alone. But You My King are always with us.

John 14:18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

I hope you enjoy part 2! Once again, this will be so much better and make more sense, if you can follow along in your Bible.

In verse 9: (The Lover says) "I liken you my darling to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh." I interpreted this verse in 2 ways. 1) When I think of the horse being harnessed, I think of bondage/slavery. The horse is not free, and Pharaoh was the one who kept the Israelites as slaves. This is what it is like when you live in sin. You are walking as a slave to the enemy and to darkness. However, freedom is only one step away. All you need to do is ACCEPT that Jesus paid with His own blood for your freedom, and CHOOSE to no longer walk in darkness. 2) Stallions are big, powerful, male horses. They walk around with authority, but when they see a mare it captivates them. They are so attracted to its beauty. This is how the King (The Lover, Jesus) feels about you (His beloved).

In verse 10-11: (The Lovers says) "Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. We will make you earrings of gold studded with silver." I love these verses because the Lover is telling the Beloved, let me show you your true identity, you are royalty.

In verse 12: (The Beloved says) "While the King was at His table, my perfume spread its fragrance." She is starting to fall in love with the King.

In verse 15: (The Lover says) "How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! You eyes are doves." I love how God is the one who created us, yet He is enraptured by our beauty : ) When Jesus was baptized, the Holy Spirit descended on Him like a dove. In this interaction, the King is watching His Beloved be filled with Holy Spirit, the very presence of God.

In verse 16: (The Beloved says) " How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant." Verdant means green with growing plants. The intimacy between the Lover and the Beloved is blossoming.

In verse 17: (The Lover says) "The beams of our house are cedars; our rafters are firs." Their relationship is being built on a strong foundation (beams). Cedar is a very durable, fragrant wood. The rafters (what supports the roof) of the house are made of firs. Firs are large evergreen tress. They stay green in EVERY season. This relationship will be able to stand against any storm or trial, because it is firm. Even when the trials come, it will still flourish. This is what it is like to be in an intimate relationship with the Lord, not just on Sundays, but truly spending time and knowing who the Lord really is.